I Now Realize. . . .

So, I started this journey in August.  I have to rebuild a life.  I have to identify who I am and where I am going.  I thought blogging would help me get going – in the right direction.  I shared this with my daughters and sons.  “Great mom!”  The next thing I know, my daughter is blogging.  She is creative, hilarious, spontaneous and full of life.  Her blogs reflect all of that.   Damn competition!  Just kidding.  Reading her blog, I realize I can still laugh, I can visit a memory without tears, I can be inspired.  I realize I am hurt, not dead.  I realize I can probably do anything I want – if I work at it.  I realize children are a gift, one I really need right now.  I realize my children are blessed and talented, each in their own field.  I realize the world is a better place with them in it.  I realize I have left a little legacy.  I realize my “tomorrows” are not the ones I have chosen, but they can be great.  I realize taking a small part of my day to put words on paper, helps to empty my soul of the heaviness.

I realize “skipper” of “skipper and kenny” is my daughter and she has just challenged me to a “blog-off”!

Let the journey and the challenge begin!!!!!

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Elusive Creativity – Oh, Where Art Thou?

Ten years ago, I could sit down and whip out a craft, write a clever paragraph, decorate a room.  Today – hum.  Creativity apparently has taken a little vacation.  I got a watercolor paint set for my birthday.  Three weeks before that, I could envision just what colors I would use and exactly what I would start painting.  Today – nada – nothing.  My eyes just look at all the supplies, my hands are idle on the table, and my mind is totally shut down.  Deep breathing, quiet, meditation, music all used to inspire me.  Today – nothing.  I want to think it is just the day.  I want to believe tomorrow will be a day full of inspiration and creativity.

You know there is quite a void when you blog about what you do not know what to blog about.  I think I will put in a call to the creativity fairies and ask them to sprinkle a little magic dust around me.  Think that will help?  Maybe, for the past couple of days, I just have had nothing to say.  I find that to be quite boring.  Darn!  This is really aggravating.  If anyone has a suggestion, please feel free to share.  I would appreciate it.

In the meantime, I guess I will just keep asking, elusive creativity, oh, where art thou???

 

A Little Tree. . .

This past week, I have been in Indiana visiting with children.  It has been a nice break from the senseless chaos that has consumed my life.  It has also given me time for reflection – on what has happened and on what will be.  I love to sit on the porch in the crisp fall air and just let my mind go.  The fall breeze carries away some of the heaviness, confusion, sadness and hurt.  Across the street is a small (but very sturdy) tree.  Since I have been here, I have watched it shed all of its leaves.  At first, I thought “Oh, it is so bare – so plain – so empty”.  Then one morning I went out and the sun was filtering through the naked branches.  On the ground was a beautiful portrait of sunshine and shadow.  Even striped bare, this magnificent little tree can cast beauty and wonder.  Then I thought, in a few short months, this tree will burst forth in vibrant green.  It will glisten in the sun.  It will be a welcome shelter for two little children playing on a hot summer day.  It will dance in a cool, evening breeze.  It will shimmer in the moonlight.

Wow.  Funny how life can turn around over the littlest thing.  Me – the tree, not much difference is there?

Excuse me, I need to go plant a little tree!

 

 

CHANGE. . . and I don’t mean the stuff that jingles!

When I was little, my dad would ask, “Sis, you want some change?”  Of course, that meant pennies, nickles and (if lucky) a dime or two.  That is not the change I am referring to now.  My whole life is going through change.  Yesterday was my birthday.  It was a great day with the children, friends and family.  However, what CHANGED was not having a spouse to celebrate another year of my life with.  What CHANGED was starting another year without the love of my life.  What did not CHANGE was my current situation.  What will CHANGE is the way I now will have to traverse the path of my  journey.  What will have to CHANGE is my attitude, my level of confidence, my goals and, of course, me.

CHANGE is inevitable.  We don’t necessarily want it or like it, but it will occur.  I can allow it to be devastating or I can use it to grow.  I can curse it or I can bless it.  I can hide from it or I can embrace it.  It is my choice.  I know that.  I also know I have the power to CHANGE my outlook, my future and the outcome of this journey – and I will.  CHANGE is growth, I accept it.

Does anyone want some CHANGE?  . . .and I do not mean the stuff that jingles.

 

 

I Wish. . . .

I wish I could turn back time.  I wish I did not have to be going through this.  I wish I could dangle my feet in the lake on this warm October day.  I wish I could hold all of my kitties and feel the unconditional love only an animal can give.  I wish I could wake up in my own bed next to my spouse.  I wish I could curl up on my sofa with a good book and wait for him to come home from work.  I wish I could set on the deck at night and look at the sky – pitch black, painted with a billion stars.  I wish I could turn back time.

Wishes.  Are they good or bad?  Can we really wish our life away?  I guess one could.  On the other hand, they can also stimulate some motivation for the journey.  I am wishing for a life with peace of mind.  I am wishing for continued health and daily smiles.  I am wishing for loving connections with family and friends.  I am wishing for an increase in my social security check (just kidding – that would be a miracle!)   I am wishing for good fortune for all the people I know.  I am wishing for a day filled with adventure, knowledge, laughter and sunshine.

I am wishing you a good day!

Dream Pocket

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  The sun was bright and very warm.  For mid-October in Missouri, that was a real treat.  I took advantage of the day and nestled in a comfy chair on the porch.  As I sat, my mind drifted a bit.  I started thinking of all my future dreams with the spouse I no longer have.  A neat place to check out, a future trip, the first fire of the winter in the fireplace, snuggled on the sofa.  What do I do with them now?  I hardly want to throw dreams away.  To me they are incentive to move forward.

Then it came to me.  I am embarking on a new life – alone, but new.  I have (or will have) new direction, goals, interests, etc.  Why not have a new coat?  Yes, I need that.  A new warm, thick coat to protect me from the chill of hurt, the biting wind of pain and one that will cushion me from the secrets that are now exploding forth from his deceit.  I wrapped myself in it and there I found – a pocket.  It is a very big, deep pocket, lined with the softest fur.  I tucked my dreams in that pocket.  They are safe there and available anytime I need them.  One day, I will begin to take out the old ones and replace them with new dreams.  Dreams filled with hope and promise and happiness.  Yes, this pocket will work just fine!

Well, then it was time to say goodbye to the day and get ready for another.  I felt some comfort in the fact that I still had “dreams” – a step forward.  Good night and “sweet dreams” everyone!

 

Memories and ah-h-h, the music of U2

It’s Friday.  Usually, my Fridays were consumed with cleaning, cooking and generally sprucing up so my husband could enjoy the weekend in a nice, clean, calm home.  The entire day excited me – as I could not wait to spend time with him after a long week at work.  Today, I am alone, no one to clean for, cook for, wait for.  I am watching “Cold Case” (one of our favorite shows) and U2 fills the air waves (one of our favorite bands).    Even though I know the words, they have much greater meaning for me now.  Bitter sweet memories fill me.  What on earth do I do with these memories?  Happy ones now cast a dark shadow over what I do not have.  At the same time, they fill a deep void, making things bearable.  They even provoke a giggle from time to time.  I wonder if the music will always trigger the loss.

Funny where life takes us.  The road I am on was never even on my map!  Am I lost????  Sure hope not.  Is it Divine Intervention?  Is is Fate?  Maybe it is just Life!  On this road, there are no tomorrows, only todays.  The bends are so great, I can not see around them.  There is no looking forward, only back.  Once I have traversed a path, it becomes straight and clear.  I can see where I have been.  I just do not know where I am going.  I have my backpack, good hiking shoes (the trail is a little rough right now) and U2 is playing – loud and clear.   The music is very soothing somehow.   I think I will just sit under this leaf-shedding tree, listen to the music and mentally drift for a while.  I may drift to the past or to the future.  I will put it out to chance – and just let it happen.  I can always hope I have an epiphany – U2?